Neither Here Nor There

With less than a week before I leave, I find myself in a strange kind of limbo, an out-of-body experience. Though I am here- physically- taking care of the last errands and details that will change my life, I spend much of my time mentally projected to a distant country. I imagine and re-imagine my first few moments there, trying to ready myself for the unknown, if such a thing is possible. And then I fall back and realize that I am still implanted on the flat Midwestern plains that I have called ‘home’ for so long, and probably always will. As my departure draws nearer, I’m pulled further and further to the extremes of these thoughts, enjoying both my dreams for the future and memories of the past.

As delicately as I can I cut the thin threads that bind my life here. Old debts are paid off and possessions are boxed up or meted out to those who will find them useful. The more my collection of ‘things’ shrinks around me, the stronger I feel. It’s as if all of the importance and care I’ve put into them is transferred back to me, giving me the strength to take my few remaining artifacts and go. Eventually I’ll be down to a backpack, a suitcase, and myself.

But I must stress that only these tiny, material threads are being cut. There are more important ties to this place, heavy cables (to extend the metaphor) that will always keep me anchored here both geographically and personally. They are my relationships with friends and family. In my remaining days here I have not been cutting these at all, but maintaining them and strengthening them, getting ready for the stress that will be put on them soon.

Of course, these are all complicated layers on top of one very simple and ever-present emotion: I’m excited. Not like a child before Christmas, but more like the excitement of a parent before the birth of his first child. So much is unknown, and there’s no handbook, but I’m just ready to dive in and do the best that I can.

In the meantime, however, I am both at home and away. I am preparing to leave yet am already gone. Put simply, I am neither here nor there.