Deep breath. In. Hold. Out. Okay, here it goes.
My trip here, in respect to the plan of finding work and making a living, has not gone very well. I’ve been told many times that I need more schooling, more experience, and- oh yeah- more of a legal status here. This doesn’t come entirely as a surprise. It was always a possibility- no, a probability- that work would not be as easy to come by as I had believed. My roommate here recommended that I start looking for work teaching private class and tutoring students, but that kind of work wouldn’t provide the stability I’d need to maintain myself here; it’s a little too risky. Because of this I will be heading home on November 12th.
Come on, be honest with them. They’ve supported you this far; you owe them the truth, at least.
Well, perhaps my homecoming isn’t entirely caused by a lack of work. The truth is I don’t even want to be here anymore. God, I sound like Veruca Salt, don’t I? It sounds petty, like the child that got what he wanted for Christmas and immediately decided that he didn’t like it. There’s more to it than that, of course. When you remove yourself from your life, remove distractions like television and easy ways to entertain yourself, a lot of things become clearer. You start thinking new thoughts … or maybe I’m just finally admitting what I’ve thought all along.
It’s funny, but my biggest fear coming here was that I wouldn’t find work and then I’d feel like a failure. Here I am now, I haven’t found work, I’m going back home, and I have about a month of limited finances and the ennui of empty days to fill, but I still feel like I came out on top somehow. It wasn’t a failure at all- it was more of a miscalculation, an error, an oops!, a misjudgment. Yes, a misjudgment. Like that step you think is there but isn’t. You’re jarred at first, and you feel like you’re never going to stop falling. But then your foot hits the ground, you right yourself, and you move on. Next step.
Almost done …
You’ve all supported me in my venture in some way or another and I can’t thank you enough for that. I have a feeling that this will end up being one of those life-changing experiences (even if it’s not in the way I had planned) and it wouldn’t have been possible without that support. Thank you.
That wasn’t so hard, was it? Good job.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
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8 comments:
If I ever even hear you talking about this experience as if it was a failure, I feel I will be forced to slap you. Hard. In the face. Then I will have to lecture you. In the American way of a conducting a preemptive strike, here is a short synopsis of said lecture:
The vast majority of people dream of doing something dramatic. They talk about visiting foreign lands, opening their own business, having a torrid love affair, landing that exotic job, or whatever their dream may be. And they do nothing. They stay in the every day familiar because it is comfortable, because they are afraid, because "who does those things anyway".
These people say they are content. What a disgusting word. Content = Boring, bored, complacent, conformist, sheep.
People should go after their dreams. Sometimes the dream turns out to be everything you've ever wanted. And sometimes you wonder why you ever had that dream to begin with. Most of the time it falls somewhere in the middle.
I could never express how proud I am you went after a dream. Don't think you have failed in that dream. You did it. You went. You experienced. Now, it's just time for a new dream.
One down, a million to go.
Okay, okay- tranquilo. Not a failure, repeat, not a failure. Says so in the post. Was afraid it would feel that way, but it doesn't. A misjudgment, perhaps, as I said in that stair analogy that I stole from a movie (does anyone know where that came from? I can't remember.) but I've been surprised by how good I feel about the whole thing in general. You're studying Buddhism- look up the peace of clarity. Or maybe I've just recieved a peice of clarity. Either way, I feel like I have a better grasp on things now than I did before, and it feels good.
But thanks, all the same. I've had many of those same sentiments repeating themselves in my brain the last few weeks, and some independent confirmation feels pretty good. We should talk when I get back. (Duh.)
And please don't slap me.
I don't think I could say it any better than Trisha, but in no way was this even a misjudgment. You worked hard for so long to save money to do this, and now you have experienced two and half months of life in Spain. That is amazing. Like Trisha said, there is always another exciting adventure around the bend. Come back home...work...save up more money...head somewhere else for a spell.
God, I hope we can have a coming home party!!
Trisha says it all, perhaps better than I could have. You're my son, and I love you; you have also become a man whom I would be proud to call a friend.
Obviously my speech was unnecessary - although I'd like to point out it was pre-emptive, just in case you started sinking into the failure feeling, not a condemnation of your current feelings, which by the way I feel are very valid, mature, and appropriate.
What Trisha says sounds like so many of our Sunday afternoon or late evening conversations we had all summer. We talked about going down the path untaken and you have done just that, although, you are only at the beginning...who knows where that path will lead. I personally can not wait until you come home so we can continue all of our conversations!
Love you,
Mom
You are amazing. I hope our paths cross soon after your return.
Funny, I was actually quite happy you were coming home. According to Yogis, the "Mistake" word doesn't exist, it's actually encouraged and congratulated.
Living life in Madrid is difficult. Fernando, family and friends came to the states for more opportunities.
So have you thought about taking any classes? Spanish maybe? Indepedendent study in Spanish/ Latin American literature perhaps?
So I finally put up the Traviata poster from our Watseka experience. I tried to eyeball the dimensions of the frame and it was a few inches off, I put it up anyway. It reminds me that living a bit out there is perfect, plus it builds character, much more valuable than a brick house, if you think about it.
If you get the chance, go to the parque de Madrid, (I think that's what it is called), with the huge statue of Don Quijote and Sancho Panza. I had a bit of a nostalgic moment at one point and it would be cool if someone else knew what I was talking about. Also, if you have any spare change, could you get me something Don Quijoteish, like a magnet, bitty doll/statue or bitty poster? It merits being put up on my wall or next to buddha somewhere. I'm not much into literary heroes but he is definitely number one.
If you go back to Plaza del Sol, the one with the big clock, right? If you face it and on your right hand side, there should be a pastry shop. They have great pastries. If you get the chance to get some clothes from Corte Ingles or Zara, they make make short people clothes ( not saying you're short or anything :) Spanish clothing lasts forever! There's also a cool place called FNAC, they have CD's and books etc. like a Barnes and Nobles with music you can listen to.
Don't forget to try churros con chocolate. By the way, did you know that bollitos is the term for doughnuts and ventiscos means blizzards? I learned that from one of my students yesterday. Apparently his father likes to make doughnuts during blizzards.
See you soon!
Deisy
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