I was on autopilot. A weekend of too much work followed by too many late nights out had stripped me of my ambition; I simply moved. I moved around the apartment, performing tasks which were necessary but required little thought. I cleaned, I organized, I checked my e-mail. Sometimes I would complete a task without being fully aware that I had started it. In fact, I was halfway out the door with my keys in my hand before I realized that I was hungry and already on my way to get some late night fast food.
I was still on autopilot as I walked out to the car, but some actual thoughts were beginning to emerge as I crossed the parking lot. Something Deisy said earlier that night? Something read on another's blog? Something I had written not long ago? It was all creating an unconscious synthesis that might not have been possible but for my extreme mental fatigue. Somehow it all came together and I was paralyzed by the weight of my own thoughts. I stopped in the grass in front of my car and leaned against a tree. I didn’t care who saw me standing out there alone, staring not at but past the leaves. I needed this time.
The air was perfect. Its temperature was just half a degree cooler than that of my own skin, so that I felt a coolness in it but wasn’t cold. It had that electric smell that predicted that one of spring’s little evening showers was approaching. I sighed, and the tree sighed with me as a breeze passed through its leaves.
My thoughts were not whirring through my head as they might have during the day. Instead they flowed calmly like a river, and I stood on the shore to watch them pass. Fear swirled with excitement in the current, and eddies of knowing/not-knowing spun in and out of existence. I watched it all unfold in front of me. It was as if I had been in possession of these thoughts all along but was only now allowed to see them. The revelations came easily and the doubts were so well worn by now that they no longer held any power.
I wish I could say that all was clear by the time I pushed myself up off the side of the tree, that in this synthesis I had found all of the answers. There were no definite answers, however. No certainties. As the drops began to fall I walked away from the tree with only a newfound acceptance of that which I did not know, and that is more valuable than any definite answer.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Random Thoughts (On A Not-So-Random Topic)
I was jotting down a few notes for myself about going to Spain when it occurred to me that these thoughts may help other people as well as myself. Even if they don't, it's my blog, innit? Can do anything I want, can't I?
Oh, and for those concerned friends/licensed therapists out there that think I may be slightly obsessed with moving to Spain ... you're probably right. At least, the thought's definitely crossed my mind once or twice. But I've decided that if a little obsession is what it takes to make it happen, then I'm willing to sacrifice a little bit of sanity. Wasn't using it much, anyway.
So here they are, pure and unedited random thoughts on moving to Spain:
-Having a dream like this is like having another job- in fact, it's my main job. I should treat it as such.
-Big things like buying plane tickets and booking hostels aren't going to make this happen; I must make and re-make the decision every day.
-My goal should not be to live in Spain. This is too grand a scope and will do me no good. My goal must be to work in Spain. If I set and accomplish my goals day by day, living in Spain will work itself out.
-I will be at my weakest when I arrive in Spain: alone in another country with no friends or family nearby to support me. My fears and insecurities will try to overrun me, especially in those dark and lonely times; I must not let them. I must brace myself against them and be strong. This will not be easy.
-I must remember the Expat Manifesto.
-I am not going to Spain for what it will give me. I am going there for what I can actively take from it.
-My dream is possible: this is all I can reasonably ask of the universe. The rest- all the rest, everything else- I must do myself.
Oh, and for those concerned friends/licensed therapists out there that think I may be slightly obsessed with moving to Spain ... you're probably right. At least, the thought's definitely crossed my mind once or twice. But I've decided that if a little obsession is what it takes to make it happen, then I'm willing to sacrifice a little bit of sanity. Wasn't using it much, anyway.
So here they are, pure and unedited random thoughts on moving to Spain:
-Having a dream like this is like having another job- in fact, it's my main job. I should treat it as such.
-Big things like buying plane tickets and booking hostels aren't going to make this happen; I must make and re-make the decision every day.
-My goal should not be to live in Spain. This is too grand a scope and will do me no good. My goal must be to work in Spain. If I set and accomplish my goals day by day, living in Spain will work itself out.
-I will be at my weakest when I arrive in Spain: alone in another country with no friends or family nearby to support me. My fears and insecurities will try to overrun me, especially in those dark and lonely times; I must not let them. I must brace myself against them and be strong. This will not be easy.
-I must remember the Expat Manifesto.
-I am not going to Spain for what it will give me. I am going there for what I can actively take from it.
-My dream is possible: this is all I can reasonably ask of the universe. The rest- all the rest, everything else- I must do myself.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
The Tale of the Boy and the Birds
With this piece I took a stab at a fable/morality tale style. It was an assignment for another class but it's also something I've been thinking about doing for a while anyway. I wanted to write my own tale for the "1001 Arabian Nights" and with a little bit of Arabic tweaking this story could suit that purpose as well. Also, the idea of being able to communicate with birds comes from Washington Irving's "Tales of the Alhambra", specifically a story called "The Pilgrim of Love."
The Boy and the Birds
There once was a boy who lived far away in the mountains with only his parents. From the day the boy could walk he spent his time wandering about the deep and ancient forest around his small home. He would listen for hours to the birds, calling back and forth to one another. Eventually, the boy could understand and speak the secret language of the birds. The birds would talk to him, and he to them. The birds taught him much about the ways of the world, and in this way the boy became educated.
The owl was a wise old bird. He only came out at night, so often the boy would sneak away to take instruction from the owl. The old bird was well-versed in the ways of law and justice, for he hunted only at night, and spent the daylight hours shut away studying such matters. He taught the boy what was fair and right.
The hawk was a fierce bird, ever thinking of ways to find his next kill. He would circle the fields and watch for prey. Often he would circle fields where battles were being fought by men, and he watched with keen interest as they killed each other. From the hawk the boy learned of battle and how to fight.
The raven was the old mage of the forest, and told the boy the secrets of ancient magic, long forgotten by man. He told him of incantations that could change the world around him and of magic stones and their properties. The boy liked the raven’s lessons best because he gave the boy secrets nobody else knew.
After years of instruction, the boy emerged from his small home and set off toward the city as a man schooled in the ways of justice, battle, and magic. He quickly won favor in the city even though he had little money. Tales spread of his many tricks and amazing skill, so that quickly he was the most popular man in the city. It wasn’t long before the people loved the young man more than they loved their ruler, who had been foolish and weak in recent years.
“This smart young man would surely make a better king!”
“He’s so wise for someone so young, and a fine warrior, too!”
Cries like this could be heard throughout the city, and soon the foolish king’s head was on the chopping block, and the people were calling for the young man to rule them. He stood over the crowd, the deposed ruler in front of him. The headsman held his blade at the ready. Just then, the owl flew down and settled near the young man.
He said to him, “You have done great things in this city- we have heard of them even in the forest. But you mustn’t kill this man, for he is defeated.”
“I must,” said the young man. “The crowd demands it. They do not want a weak ruler.”
“You know in your heart what is right. If you kill this man, you will one day be punished for it,” warned the owl.
The young man turned away from his old teacher and made a motion to the headsman. The crowd roared as the former king’s head rolled to the new king’s feet.
* * *
Years passed the king became more and more powerful, and he soon forgot many of the birds’ teachings from his youth. The three birds came calling one day. They flew in through the palace windows and settled around the king.
“Have you forgotten our lessons?” cried the raven.
“You are not half the warrior you were in your youth,” said the hawk.
“Do you not remember?” asked the owl.
“Why are you here?” the king demanded suspiciously. “Would you try to take my power from me?”
“No,” said the raven, “it was we that gave you such power in the first place!”
“We only wish to advise you now, as we did in your youth,” said the hawk.
“Take us on as your Royal Counselors, and we will help you rule this land,” said the owl.
“No!” yelled the king. “You taught me as a boy, but I’ve become king by myself! My actions led me here, my deeds earned me this throne! Be gone!” He shooed the birds away. “Be gone!”
The birds flew off. The raven perched on the highest window ledge before leaving. “Nevermore,” he said angrily, “will you receive our aid!” With this, the raven flew off, and the king was alone.
Not many nights afterward, the owl was flying above the city on his nightly hunt. He swooped down into the streets and as he did so, he heard the whisperings and mutterings of the men in the alleys. Immediately, he flew to the palace and through the window of the king’s bedchamber.
“Your highness! Your highness!” he cried.
The king woke suddenly and saw that the owl had returned. “I told you to leave!”
“Your highness, there is trouble in the streets. You have treated the people unfairly, and now they are planning to rise up against you! Quickly, we must go!”
“Oh no, clever bird,” said the king. “I know your game. You are angry because I did not make you my counselor. If I leave, it may be a trap. Be gone!”
The owl knew his mission was lost, and flew away, hurt. The next morning there was indeed an uprising. The king’s army was able to suppress it, but only after losing many of its finest generals. The next day, the raven paid the king a visit.
“Your majesty,” he said, “I have consulted the stars. There are bad omens among them, and your life is in danger! Come now, and we may be able to avoid it!”
“I will not leave the castle. You are with the owl, plotting against me! Be gone!” The raven flew sulkily away.
The hawk came next. He said, “I have seen a great army building in the fields beyond the city walls. Other kingdoms know you have lost generals and they are planning to attack while you are weak. You know that I am knowledgeable in the ways of battle, and I tell you that you cannot win. Come away, and your life may yet be spared!”
“You underestimate my strength,” said the king, though there was some nervousness in his voice. “I can win any battle that comes upon me. You are just angry because I do not need you anymore! Be gone.” The hawk, too, flew away.
The armies invaded, just as the hawk said they would, and the king’s forces were quickly defeated. When the three birds next found their former student, he was locked in a cell, crying out for them in the night.
“I was a fool!” he cried. “I didn’t listen and now I have lost everything! You are forever my teachers, and I forever your student. I beg you now, help me from this cell, for it is my head that will be on the block tomorrow!”
The raven and the hawk turned their backs toward the broken man. Only the owl kept his large eyes focused on him. He spoke slowly, only after several minutes. “He has admitted his mistake, and asked for our help. It would not be right to turn away from him now.” The raven and the hawk heeded the judgment of the wise bird and agreed to help.
The raven whispered an incantation in the man’s ear that would turn the bars of his cell into blades of grass. He stepped through them easily.
“Thank you,” he told the raven.
The hawk soared above the camp and found a path to the forest where there were no guards. He guided the man out of the guards’ sights and deep into the woods.
“Thank you,” he told the hawk.
The owl led the man deeper and deeper into the woods. The man walked until the sun came up, and it was then that he found himself far away from the city, in a clearing with a small abandoned house.
“You will be safe here,” said the owl.
“Thank you,” said the man.
And so the man spent the rest of his days as he had spent his youth, under the tutelage of the birds. He never again yearned for power, but only for the knowledge and advice that his three teachers could afford him.
The End
The Boy and the Birds
There once was a boy who lived far away in the mountains with only his parents. From the day the boy could walk he spent his time wandering about the deep and ancient forest around his small home. He would listen for hours to the birds, calling back and forth to one another. Eventually, the boy could understand and speak the secret language of the birds. The birds would talk to him, and he to them. The birds taught him much about the ways of the world, and in this way the boy became educated.
The owl was a wise old bird. He only came out at night, so often the boy would sneak away to take instruction from the owl. The old bird was well-versed in the ways of law and justice, for he hunted only at night, and spent the daylight hours shut away studying such matters. He taught the boy what was fair and right.
The hawk was a fierce bird, ever thinking of ways to find his next kill. He would circle the fields and watch for prey. Often he would circle fields where battles were being fought by men, and he watched with keen interest as they killed each other. From the hawk the boy learned of battle and how to fight.
The raven was the old mage of the forest, and told the boy the secrets of ancient magic, long forgotten by man. He told him of incantations that could change the world around him and of magic stones and their properties. The boy liked the raven’s lessons best because he gave the boy secrets nobody else knew.
After years of instruction, the boy emerged from his small home and set off toward the city as a man schooled in the ways of justice, battle, and magic. He quickly won favor in the city even though he had little money. Tales spread of his many tricks and amazing skill, so that quickly he was the most popular man in the city. It wasn’t long before the people loved the young man more than they loved their ruler, who had been foolish and weak in recent years.
“This smart young man would surely make a better king!”
“He’s so wise for someone so young, and a fine warrior, too!”
Cries like this could be heard throughout the city, and soon the foolish king’s head was on the chopping block, and the people were calling for the young man to rule them. He stood over the crowd, the deposed ruler in front of him. The headsman held his blade at the ready. Just then, the owl flew down and settled near the young man.
He said to him, “You have done great things in this city- we have heard of them even in the forest. But you mustn’t kill this man, for he is defeated.”
“I must,” said the young man. “The crowd demands it. They do not want a weak ruler.”
“You know in your heart what is right. If you kill this man, you will one day be punished for it,” warned the owl.
The young man turned away from his old teacher and made a motion to the headsman. The crowd roared as the former king’s head rolled to the new king’s feet.
* * *
Years passed the king became more and more powerful, and he soon forgot many of the birds’ teachings from his youth. The three birds came calling one day. They flew in through the palace windows and settled around the king.
“Have you forgotten our lessons?” cried the raven.
“You are not half the warrior you were in your youth,” said the hawk.
“Do you not remember?” asked the owl.
“Why are you here?” the king demanded suspiciously. “Would you try to take my power from me?”
“No,” said the raven, “it was we that gave you such power in the first place!”
“We only wish to advise you now, as we did in your youth,” said the hawk.
“Take us on as your Royal Counselors, and we will help you rule this land,” said the owl.
“No!” yelled the king. “You taught me as a boy, but I’ve become king by myself! My actions led me here, my deeds earned me this throne! Be gone!” He shooed the birds away. “Be gone!”
The birds flew off. The raven perched on the highest window ledge before leaving. “Nevermore,” he said angrily, “will you receive our aid!” With this, the raven flew off, and the king was alone.
Not many nights afterward, the owl was flying above the city on his nightly hunt. He swooped down into the streets and as he did so, he heard the whisperings and mutterings of the men in the alleys. Immediately, he flew to the palace and through the window of the king’s bedchamber.
“Your highness! Your highness!” he cried.
The king woke suddenly and saw that the owl had returned. “I told you to leave!”
“Your highness, there is trouble in the streets. You have treated the people unfairly, and now they are planning to rise up against you! Quickly, we must go!”
“Oh no, clever bird,” said the king. “I know your game. You are angry because I did not make you my counselor. If I leave, it may be a trap. Be gone!”
The owl knew his mission was lost, and flew away, hurt. The next morning there was indeed an uprising. The king’s army was able to suppress it, but only after losing many of its finest generals. The next day, the raven paid the king a visit.
“Your majesty,” he said, “I have consulted the stars. There are bad omens among them, and your life is in danger! Come now, and we may be able to avoid it!”
“I will not leave the castle. You are with the owl, plotting against me! Be gone!” The raven flew sulkily away.
The hawk came next. He said, “I have seen a great army building in the fields beyond the city walls. Other kingdoms know you have lost generals and they are planning to attack while you are weak. You know that I am knowledgeable in the ways of battle, and I tell you that you cannot win. Come away, and your life may yet be spared!”
“You underestimate my strength,” said the king, though there was some nervousness in his voice. “I can win any battle that comes upon me. You are just angry because I do not need you anymore! Be gone.” The hawk, too, flew away.
The armies invaded, just as the hawk said they would, and the king’s forces were quickly defeated. When the three birds next found their former student, he was locked in a cell, crying out for them in the night.
“I was a fool!” he cried. “I didn’t listen and now I have lost everything! You are forever my teachers, and I forever your student. I beg you now, help me from this cell, for it is my head that will be on the block tomorrow!”
The raven and the hawk turned their backs toward the broken man. Only the owl kept his large eyes focused on him. He spoke slowly, only after several minutes. “He has admitted his mistake, and asked for our help. It would not be right to turn away from him now.” The raven and the hawk heeded the judgment of the wise bird and agreed to help.
The raven whispered an incantation in the man’s ear that would turn the bars of his cell into blades of grass. He stepped through them easily.
“Thank you,” he told the raven.
The hawk soared above the camp and found a path to the forest where there were no guards. He guided the man out of the guards’ sights and deep into the woods.
“Thank you,” he told the hawk.
The owl led the man deeper and deeper into the woods. The man walked until the sun came up, and it was then that he found himself far away from the city, in a clearing with a small abandoned house.
“You will be safe here,” said the owl.
“Thank you,” said the man.
And so the man spent the rest of his days as he had spent his youth, under the tutelage of the birds. He never again yearned for power, but only for the knowledge and advice that his three teachers could afford him.
The End
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