The Long Goodbye

This has been a pretty big summer for me and my family. My mom has not only changed jobs but has changed houses as well. My father is seriously considering a job change for himself, and on top of all of this my younger brother and I are both moving away. I’m going to Spain, of course, and Christopher is going to Wyoming with the promise of steady work and board. Seeing their children moving away on these unsure adventures is probably not the easiest time in my parents’ lives, but they’ve been supportive of us both. Regardless of the support and the encouragement, the goodbyes are still not easy. My family is close in its own way, and this makes saying goodbye difficult.

Making it still more difficult is the fact that my brother is probably a little more emotionally closed off than the rest of us. The emotions are still there, certainly, he’s just more reluctant to show them. Chris, I think, has always had a slightly stronger will, and this has made him both more admirable and more stubborn. He diets, works out, and keeps to a pretty strict code that only he understands. This code does not cover flagrant displays of affection.

Still, it was Wednesday and he was leaving for Wyoming early Thursday morning. I had to say goodbye, and I had to really work at it because I knew he wouldn’t necessarily make a point to do so. So at 11:30 Wednesday morning, I walked into his cave of a room, which was cluttered with boxes and packages.

“Chris,” I whispered to the sleeping form on the mattress. “Hey.” I slapped his foot with my hand.

“Errrrmmmm,” he said, stirring slightly.

“Hey, I, uh … I’m just heading off to work, and I’m working a double today so I don’t think I’ll see you before you go.”

More stirring.

“I just wanted to say bye and take care.”

More stirring; and affirmative grumble: “Mmmm hmmm.”

“Bye man. See ya when I see ya.”

And that was it. As I walked to the car I had bad taste in my mouth. Was that really all? Hadn’t there been more I’d wanted to say? It all seemed moot now, and not by my own decision. Chris’ stolid nature had called for that goodbye, and it would have to do.

I was able distract myself through two shifts of waiting tables, but that bad taste was somehow still there. Whenever I found myself wishing I had said more I immediately began thinking about who needed refills or which order was ready. I spent the whole day at work without ever really being there.

At the end of the day I was pleasantly surprised to find my brother sitting on the couch watching TV. We watched some late night TV in between him answering several phone calls from his friends. “Hey,” he said after one such call, “do you think you could give me ride to McDonald’s in a few minutes?”

I nodded that I would and we were soon on our way to Mickey D’s, where he’d pick up his buddy’s car. We ran inside for a quick cheeseburger, but it wasn’t until we were out in the parking lot that we said anything.

“Okay,” I said, spreading my arms, “now I know I won’t see you before you go.” We hugged and I gave him all the usual, “Take care,” and “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“You’re going to Wyoming, and I’m heading off to Spain. Who knows when we’ll see each other again?”

“Yeah,” he agreed, “it’s weird. What we’ve been doing for two decades now … it has to end. We’re going separate ways.”

“It won’t really end, though. Nothing really ends. No matter what, I’ve always gotten the feeling that there’ll always be the three of us,” I said, referring to myself, him, and our sister. We’d always known each other. He agreed and we stood there for a moment, nodding.

“Well,” he said, “bye.” He headed toward his friend’s car and I headed towards mine.

“Hey,” I called. Chris turned. “Look, I, uh … well, you know I have to.” He laughed a little and I shook my head. “I love you.”

Chris laughed again. “I was just telling my buddy the other day, ‘I gotta at least tell my brother …’” and then he said, “I love you, too, man.”

Like that, the bad taste was gone, and all that needed to be said was said. I nodded, not so much to agree with him but to hide that fact that there were tears welling up in my eyes. I don’t know if that’s the first time my brother and I said that we loved each other, but it will be the one that I remember.