It's been a while since my last entry, and a lot's happened since then. Different country (back home), different plans for the future (school ... among some other 'lees-tasting' opportunities.) I've been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of planning, and a lot of reading ... but little writing.
Today's entry is not much, just a few paragraphs of stream of consciousness that I kind of liked. I started with, "It seems like it's always raining when I walk down this street," and let it go from there. Hopefully it will prime the pumps for more to come- we'll see.
The Lesson
It seems like it’s always raining when I walk down this street. Maybe it’s the other way around- maybe I only come here when it rains. I like it, though. When the street’s sunny I feel like I should be happy but I’m not. At least when it’s raining I can curse the weather.
I shouldn’t have left you, I know. I always end up leaving when we fight. It’s stupid. I pride myself on my self-control, satisfied that I didn’t lose my temper. But as I think about it walking in the rain, walking out is just as bad as yelling or breaking things. Worse maybe; I don’t know. But it’s at least as bad.
I don’t get it sometimes, that’s all. I say that I’m in love with you, and I’m sure that I am, but what does that mean I should do? Yell more? Break things instead of leaving? That doesn’t make any sense to me, but like I said, I don’t know. I got my education on love from bad movies and good Frank Sinatra songs.
The worst part is that a few blocks from home- sitting on the subway or when I finally sit down and order drink- I start to worry that you won’t be there when I get back. I’m allowed to walk out on you, but you’re not allowed to walk out on me. I guess it’s because I always thought you were stronger than me when it comes to this stuff, this relationship. You always seem to know what you’re doing or what the next step is.
That’s also stupid, I know. Just because I’m completely lost doesn’t mean you should have to work twice as hard. But it also doesn’t mean that the clouds will open up, sunlight will hit my face and I’ll suddenly understand what everyone else seems to understand automatically.
So where does that leave us? I came home again and you were there, reading on the sofa. You’d been crying, but not recently. I’ll apologize, or you will, or neither of us will. Maybe next time I won’t leave. Or maybe next time you won’t be there when I get back. Either way, one of us is going to have to learn.
Friday, January 4, 2008
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3 comments:
Yay! Brandon is posting on his blog again. It's about time.
I liked this piece. It reminds me of what life used to be like when Brian and I were dating. He always left during a fight. Very annoying.
Hm. I had a conversation earlier with someone who also has the same problem. The sun is never going to come up and hit you in the face. You don't just see the light one day but at times you can come close, like I did the other day. I think I saw it sparkle a bit while aligning my chakras. I realized that the relationship is only defined by you and the other. We all have some kind of a void and sometimes some people fill one and not the other. The question becomes why you want to be with that thing,person or idea. The because is another story.
Your writing is very interesting...Definently captivated long enough to read more, and it just gets more interesting as I scroll down. Great blog.
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