Maybe it's the change in the weather. It could be my friend's recent return from a month in Europe. Then again, my impending return to school probably has something to do with it. Hell, it might just be that I've spent too much time in the Travel section of Barnes & Noble. Whatever caused it, I've been (gulp) thinking.
What I've been thinking about can't be summed up in a single word. For the past few days I've been trying to sort through thoughts that appear unrelated but I know are not, because they all seem to spring from the same well, whatever well that is. Travel, school, jobs, money, sex, food, drink, exercise ... somehow these things are interrelated, and I think it has something to do with deciding the way I want to live my life.
Before I left for Spain, I did my best to tie up any financial loose ends. I paid off old debts and bills and by the time I left I knew to the penny how much money I had, where it was, and even what I would with it. Now, several months after my return, I am enjoying the freedom of that decision. I able to live cheaply and save money. I'm not married and I don't have any kids. If I wanted to leave tomorrow I think the most planning I would have to do is to book an afternoon flight so that I'd have time to pack. I have made plans to return to school, but the ball is only just beginning to roll for things like loans and classes. In short, my life is as blank a slate as can be.
It's an open-ended essay question.
"Today's assignment, class, is to write your life in fifty years or less. There will be no extra credit for those who go over but, no matter how much you write, make sure it's all worth reading. Begin."
And so I must. These past few months have been a grace period, but the time is coming to start making actual decisions. And because my possibilities are so wide-ranging I feel a certain amount of pressure- from myself- to make correct decisions, and to make them early. I'm not complaining about the situation (part of me revels in it) nor am I boasting. I am what I am. Now I've just got to figure out what I'm going to be.
5 comments:
Knowing what you are is no small feat; after years and years of contemplation, I am still more unclear about that than I care to dwell upon. I hope that as you figure out your future self and make those terrifying decisions, you don't stray too far into the decisive and box yourself into anything. Unless of course the box is really pretty and filled with interesting things; then the whole boxing in thing might not be too bad.
Yeah, I kinda cringed inwardly reading that last line, too. I think it's more the idea of taking an active role, taking steps toward ... a pretty and interesting box? Who knows? :-)
I think it is more about what feels right today and knowing that tomorrow might bring something entirely different.
So...my advice is don't agonize over it. Start down a path that fulfills you, and if you see a more enticing path later, then veer off. You can't predict anything. Just begin the journey and enjoy every step of it as much as you can.
I relate to your thoughts on so many levels; I don't know how many levels exactly. Let's say 4.
You know, when I look around at others our age (high school classmates), I realize how lucky we are to still have this blank slate. So many 23 year olds are simply in different places in life. I'm glad we are not.
I would say a major goal for me in life is simply to be able to laugh about it. You make the best decisions with what you know at the time, learn from the mistakes, and (hopefully) laugh at them later. Remember that there is amazingness in the smallest of experiences - spending an afternoon in your pajamas, taking a picture of yourself because you feel good about you that day, or getting that perfect cup of hot chocolate from Starbucks. The mind can expand to any size and from any place!
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