Early Autumn

I couldn’t sleep again last night. It happens every once in a while, this fit of non-sleep. It’s psychological; my body wants to sleep. It knows that it’s three o’clock in the morning and that there’s nothing to be done at the moment. It wants nothing more than to settle down and wait for the morning. But my mind races and refuses to stop for even a moment. What’s the point of sleep, anyway? So much time wasted. I should be doing something better. Or so my mind keeps reminding me in between spastic leaps from thought to thought.

Inevitably, at some point during these sleepless nights, it occurs to me that I’m definitely not going to sleep anytime soon. After that moment, though, anything goes. This time was reserved for bed, nothing else. Now that that’s out of the question, the door’s wide open. Do I go out for a late-night bite? Do I read, watch TV? TV’s the usual solution. I may not be sleeping but I’m still tired. Unending streams of music videos and infomercials require very little investment on my part.

But not last night. I don’t know why last night was different. Maybe it was the weather changing again, or maybe I’d already watched too much TV today. Whatever it was, I was dressed in jeans and a hoody and walking out the door at three twenty-three in the morning.

The nights had been cool lately, and this was no exception. Fifty-something degrees, I figured. I exhaled forcefully to see if my breathe was visible; it wasn’t. Oh well, autumn would be in its full glory soon enough. The world now seemed to personify the transition: trees and grass were still green and vibrant, even as the air around them became cooler and cooler. Summer could hold on for a bit longer, but sooner later the colors would change and autumn would take over.

I thought back on summer, on how active, noisy, and colorful everything seemed to be. On a hot summer afternoon the air was warm and light, carrying on it the cacophony of birds, children, music, and construction that emanated from a given neighborhood. Summer made for lazy days- avoiding the heat, taking a dip in the pool, perhaps. Almost everyone was out of school and taking advantage of the open days. I wasn’t in school and hadn’t been for a while, but the summer still seemed like a vacation. A holdover, I guess, from twelve years of indoctrination. In the end, summer usually was a vacation. Not a lot got done. I didn’t go anywhere, but what’s a summer for, anyway?

Autumn would be different. When the air cools it takes on a heavier quality, enveloping the trees and the streets and the sky. It muffles the sound and, with that blanket of coolness around me, I feel a little more solitary, which I like. Autumn calls for motion- walking, working, raking leaves. There is less daylight, and that always seems to make what I do with it more important. Maybe I ought to go back to school … autumn is meant to be seen through school windows, I think to myself- another habit of a thought from my mandatory twelve years. The cool air doesn’t lend itself to lazy afternoons as the summer heat does, and the changing colors are a beautiful reminder that everything is impermanent. Eventually the trees and the air have to change.
And so somehow, last night at some predawn hour, walking in autumn air among summer trees I embraced and prepared for the changes ahead. Summer may still have its last stand, but for me, it was already early autumn.

I went home and slept, my mind at rest.